The Talk
by TheForesakenTwist
Summary: Oz has to give Fanboy that dreadful talk after he experiences something at school.


Summary: Oz gives Fanboy the dreaded "talk" after he experiences a strange feeling at school.

"And the man said that he would donate at least twenty dollars to the shop so I could afford fluorescent bulb for my store. Seriously awesome, huh dudes?" Oz was addressing his two young wards, and let me tell you: they were amazed. But the older one...well let's just say his mind was elsewhere. It wasn't that noticeable, he just seemed a little bit distracted, and either way, Oz was noticed it.

He decided to ask Fanboy about it. "Hey little dude, are you feeling okay?" He asked the younger one, who was about 11 at the time. Fanboy didn't look so sure of himself. He shrugged, and Oz gave him a calculating look.

"Hey Chum Chum. Can you maybe help out mom with Mitsy upstairs? I need to talk with your friend alone, okay?" He said to distract Chum Chum. The younger boy nodded and trotted upstairs.

After he left, Oz leaned down to Fanboy's height and asked him again if he felt alright. And again, Fanboy shrugged. "I'm not really sure. Something weird happened at school and I don't really know what it is."

"Oh, you can tell me. Seriously, chances are I'll know what you're talking about." Oz assured him.

Fanboy felt his cheeks grow warm as his mind recalled the events that took place earlier that day. "It was weird," he mumbled. "I was sitting at my desk, and then Yo was walking by to sharpen her pencil. And when she walked by, she dropped her pencil." He paused and shifted uncomfortably, while Oz listened, predicting in his mind where this was going. "W-When she bent over to get it, her skirt kind of went up. And I saw her...um..." He paused again and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Ah," Oz nodded. "And then what happened?"

Fanboy swallowed hard and hid his red face with his gloved hands. "I-I don't wanna say."

"Go on, you can tell me. I seriously won't tell anyone." Oz promised, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder, and then letting go after Fanboy jerked away.

"S-Sorry. I just feel weird," the boy apologized, looking away. "I just started feeling all weird and fuzzy, and sweaty, and...promise you won't laugh?" Oz nodded. "M-My thing got all big and hard." The man's eyes widened slightly after hearing this.

"I know I know, it sounds really stupid. And I don't even know why it did that. All I know is that I couldn't stand up, and I-I couldn't stop staring at her when she bent over." He covered his face with hands again. "I don't know what's going on."

Oz sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He figured that'd he have to give Fanboy the talk one of these days. He was technically Fanboy's somewhat guardian. Besides, if he weren't to tell him, who would? "Listen little dude. What's happening to you is not a big deal. Well, it is a big deal, but it's normal. It'll happen to all the other boys in your class, not just you."

Fanboys eyes popped. "T-This is NORMAL? Crud! You have any idea how uncomfortable that was to sit there with my...my-my thing?! I mean, I tried to push it back down, but it kept staying hard until a few minutes before the bell rang." Hours? Well, it turned out that Fanboy was a very hormonal person. Poor guy. Puberty mostly sucked for everyone.

"Sorry dude. All us boy's things get... Eh, hard. It's natural. In our nature, you know? When you grow up and get married, your eventually going to have kids. And to have kids..." Oz sucked in his breath. He hated this. I was he going to explain this without sounding creepy? "To have babies, the couple have to have sex. Do you know what sex is?"

"...No."

3 minutes of awkward explaining later...

"...THEY HAVE TO WHAT?!" Fanboy yelled in disbelief. "No, nononononononono. Just... just no, definitely not. No!"

"Yep, that's seriously how it works." Oz chuckled nervously as Fanboy clutched his face and began to sputter.

"I do NOT want to have babies!" He yelled, stepping forward. "Or at all, because sex is gross! Eyyuuuh!" He shuttered and collapsed on the floor, crossing his arms. "Great, now I am officially scarred. Bye childhood. Thank you Oz, for telling me this completely...this... I have no words." He shuddered again.

"You wanted to know what was going on so I thought-" Oz began, before Fanboy cut him off.

"I just want to know why my thing got hard! That's it, I didn't want to hear about... about that...sex." He shuddered once more.

"I'm going to seriously try to put it into context," Oz promised. "Listen when you go through puberty, your body starts changing obviously, and you're seriously going to start noticing girls. And when you notice girls you'll probably get...eh...excited. Which is what happened to you today."

"... Really." Fanboy said in disbelief. "So from now on whenever I see a pretty girl my penis is going to get hard. That's what your telling me."

"Well not all the time. Just sometimes," Oz amended.

Fanboy just stared at him for a long time. "That doesn't make me feel any better, Oz. That doesn't make any sense. Why would my thing get hard? It doesn't make sense."

Oz pinched the bridge of his nose. "It just means that you want to have sex with her. That is what your body is trying to tell you. It's telling you to make babies with Yo. That is why your thing is getting hard, okay?"

Fanboy just slowly shook his head. "No, not really okay, but thanks. For scarring me, I really appreciate it."

"Seriously, you'll appreciate sex someday. Don't worry you're not alone with the whole "my penis is getting hard". It happens to me all the time." Oz informed him.

Fanboy literally wrenched in disgust. "AAAH-AUGH! Shut up Oz! I don't want to hear it anymore! That's retarded!"

"No, really!" Oz continued. "I remember when I was about 17 when-" Fanboy gasped and covered his ears.

"Nononononononono! Don't tell me! Don't tell me again. I get it."


End file.
